Hullo, world; I think I’m going crazy


At last! A new blog. I’ve blogged before, but I needed a fresh start, a fresh place to share all my crazy thoughts and emotions as of late. I mean, my other blogs are strictly professional anyway. I need a little bit more of a personal approach.

Anyway, so I’ve already posted this to Facebook, but since I’m done over-posting there, I think it’s appropriate as a first post here; feels like it, anyway. So here goes:

I went to my park in the woods today and took a walk. I wanted to get lost, to be surrounded by everything and nothing at once. I paused briefly to take in my surroundings; it was still as death, and I was surrounded by trees who were beautiful but wild, unhinged and dangerous—much like myself lately—unable to speak the words locked inside them.

Then, I ran and I climbed until my lungs burned, my body ached, and my head throbbed. It was almost dusk; the gates to the park would soon close. I got lost; I’d taken the long path instead of the short. But I pressed on, never stopping. I passed familiar things, but none were the same; at least I wasn’t going in circles. At last, the map came into view again. I ran harder, praying I was heading the right direction.

Then, at last, my feet met the steep stretch of ancient steps, the greying sky appeared ahead, and I burst from the trees. The wind whistled, as if the forest was suddenly alive again and had found its voice once more. And I too was free.

Emotions—they make us do strange things. Lately, I feel myself changing. I’ve been on this special diet for months now to fix some health issues. I noticed improvements in my physical ailments first. But now it’s more than that; we don’t just get one thing without the other. We must take the good and the bad—or the good with the strange, as the case may be. Different is not always evil. I feel not only my body returning to how it once was, but my psyche as well. My mind, my feelings—they are erratic during this change, as though I was a newly turned vampire. I have not experienced them like this in so long and don’t know how to handle them, how to release them. I have too much time on my hands with too little to preoccupy my wild imagination. I am trapped inside myself, with no one to draw me out—except my love, but even he cannot understand everything about me right now.

My creativity is incredible; my music and writing excel, rent with so many different kinds of passion. I am anxious and yet excited about everything. I feel unstable. I feel a little crazy even. I don’t comprehend fully what is happening to me, this change.

But I accept it. It is who I am. I have never had to make apologies for being myself. I have never felt the need, nor worried about the acceptance of others. I have always embraced my many idiosyncrasies, so long as they do not bring harm to others.

How inspired I feel. Glad to have started this at last. I don’t even care if anyone reads it. I just need to talk sometimes, and for a writer, writing is sufficient.